Today though, i am back to talking about anxiety.
In my last post about anxiety, i never really spoke about why i suffer from it. To be honest, i still don't know why it started or what triggered it off, i can only assume. I used to live in a very protective bubble, and being an only child i was never left on my own in the house, ever. As my mum didn't work she was there all the time. I believe, this is where it all started (i could be wrong). About four years ago, i had my phone stolen off me, late at night while i was waiting for someone to pick me up. This was the first time where i realised bad things could actually happen to me, it hit me hard, and cue the anxiety.
My anxiety at its worse was when before i went to bed i had to go around the house and check all the doors and windows, to make sure they was locked. At one point, i was doing this a good three times before i was calm and happy that no one could get in. If that wasn't enough, i made myself go to sleep before my parents, as this made me feel safer. Knowing i was the only one in the house awake, scared me so much i would often have panic attacks. My parents plans, were planned around me, they had to make sure i could go somewhere, even if they wanted to have a meal. Cue the guilt. I won't go into too much detail, if you would like me to do a separate post on my struggle with anxiety, then leave it in the comments below and i will.
Forward on four years, and at the end of September, my parents went away for the weekend. I did do a blog post about this, but i felt so ashamed and angry with myself that i deleted it and it was never published. Coming away from the angry, i now think its important for me to post it, its important for people to know that even when your so close to beating away that anxiety, sometimes it can nearly get the better of you. Needless to say, my weekend didn't go brilliantly.
I was so tired from the week, travelling back and forth from Worcester and working too, that when it came to the Saturday evening, i was falling asleep during xfactor. I decided not to go to bed (as it was only 8.30!!) and i carried on watching xfactor, and tuned into something afterwards too. By the time i went to bed i was over tired and panic set in. Every little creak, door slam or voices, i was jumping out of my skin. I took myself to bed at half 10, the last time i looked at my clock was 2.45am. It got to the point where i was so tired that i was over emotional too, i even contemplated driving an hour and a half to my aunties, just to get out of the situation. Soon after 2.45 though i fell asleep. I was even more tired on the sunday evening, luckily though, i was very calm and relaxed, i was just unable to sleep! I eventually did though.
I was angry at myself for panicking, i was angry that i couldn't tell my parents how well i did and that i was absolutely fine. In reality though, i stayed in the house and i didn't run away, and now i am very proud of myself.
The reason why i have decided to write this blog post now is because something happened last night. Our next door neighbour came round and said that the two houses (which are about four houses away from mine) got burgled last week, panic suddenly set in my stomach. Later during the evening, my mums face started to swell and we suspected an allergic reaction, and NHS direct advised going to the hospital. When i was told, i had just got out the shower, my instant reply (through panic) was to say that I'm coming with them. I dried my hair (as her appointment wasn't for another hour) and with a unsettled feeling in my stomach decided what to do. I can't even describe what i was feeling, what was going through my head and how big the urge was to run away. I finally decided to stay at home (even though every part of me wanted to get inside that car with them), the reason i chose that decision was because anxiety grows through avoidance and i had come so far to get where i was and if i started avoiding the situation again, i would be back to square one. Fighting back the tears, i said goodbye to my parents and they went off to the hospital. Not going to lie, i panicked, tears were rolling down my face and i was regretting my decision already. I managed to distract myself with the tv and all my panic slowly disappeared. Fortunately, my parents were back within the hour, and my mum was fine. I was extremely happy with myself for fighting with my anxiety to run away and staying inside the house.
I am sure, the few of you who suffer from anxiety, know what i mean by wanting to run. By the others who don't, i literally mean, that i would of gone out the house in my pjs (or even naked) to get out of the situation, thats how strong the urge is to get out of the situation.
My main point of this post is, even when you feel like you have failed yourself because something didn't go as well as you wanted it to, doesn't mean you should give up! DO NOT GIVE UP. Giving up is the easy option, not the only option. There is a reason why you want rid of your anxiety, so don't lose sight of that reason. That reason will get you through.